Disconnected or Not?

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been feeling like I’m more disconnected from myself than I have been in years.

Do you ever listen to just one song and it instantly brings a wave of nostalgia over you? You start missing your old self, your old things or friends, your old life – things seemed more familiar and now they just don’t. That happened to me recently, and I don’t even think it was a song that I’ve ever heard before. I guess it was more of an emotion that the song invoked which brought the familiar memories back. In the process, it provided a sense of disconnection from what I knew to what I currently know. Enter anxiety and insecurity. I started questioning everything and wondering if I even knew myself anymore. One thing I’ve learned is that taking a step back and looking at things from a different perspective is very helpful in grounding and finding clarity. So I pause and contemplate, could it just be me feeling disconnected from the false identity I was giving myself during all of those years?

You see, we tend to build up our identity based mostly on outside influences and programming. From your parents, to teachers, to friends and all kinds of movies and shows, they supply an endless source of material for you to choose from instead of listening to your own inner voice – your soul.

It’s hard to be authentic when you have so many influences giving you their input, whether they mean well or not.

Once I realized this (about a year ago) I began doing a lot of inner work, and I mean A LOT, to get back to my true authentic self. I’ve been experimenting with many different practices to see what resonates, what works and what doesn’t. I’ve been filling my brain with so much new knowledge to try to bring my authentic self back out of the shadows that I think, recently, I started to become overwhelmed – causing me to feel a disconnection. One of the things that many of my expanders teach is listening to your intuition and not only learning, but implementing. Maybe that’s another space where this disconnection comes from, my lack of implementation.

While I have been implementing practices like consistent meditation, tapping, and better physical self-care, I’ve been neglecting to implement the knowledge I’m being exposed to. The core concepts and the principles I’m learning from others’ life experiences as well as the ones from my own intuition have sort of gone in one ear and out the other. It’s one thing to see words or hear words, it’s another to actually listen and take action on them. I think this is where a lot of us fall short. Listening to your intuition takes loads of practice, only now, after a year of working on quieting my mind, am I able to discern intuition from noise and it can be difficult, still. If you’re wondering what this experience is like, let me explain. Listening to your intuition is like talking to yourself. You’re going about your day and all of a sudden a voice pops into your head that provokes you to bring awareness to something. It can be relevant to a thought you are currently having, it can be something you are subconsciously thinking about, or something you thought about previously. For me I’ve heard things like “you know this fear is untrue and you don’t have to let it control you” or “but what if it turns out better than you hoped.” At first, it’s usually a soft whisper but for me it’s a full bodied voice now.

As I discern between hearing, and listening with the intent to take action, I realize I’ve even bypassed implementing some of the wisdom my intuition has provided for me.

It’s like telling a loved one how they may be able to help themselves but they nod their head and never do anything about it. It just doesn’t work, there is a disconnect. You have to open up and listen with the intent of implementation. As far as I can tell, most of what I’ve been doing is hearing and not listening.

I’ve also forgotten to do things that bring me joy. The lasting kinds of joy such as dancing around, singing along to a favorite song, hiking, reading in front of an open window or curling up to watch a favorite movie. I’ve gotten so caught up in bringing newness into my life for growth purposes that I’ve forgotten to take time to incorporate the things I know bring me joy. Joy is fundamental to connecting with yourself, others and Source, it is our natural state. When we fill our lives with things like worry, anxiety, fear and stress we create a disconnect from our true Self. We are magnetic beings, like attracts like, so if we cast aside the importance of joy, we cannot create more.

Reasons that may be causing this disconnect:
  • Feeling disconnected from the false identity I built up over the years
  • Lack of implementation
  • Hearing but not listening
  • Focusing on anxiety, worry, fear & stress
  • Forgetting to do things that bring me joy

I assumed that with all of the inner work I’m doing, I would feel more connected to myself than ever before. But you know what they say about assuming, eh? As I look at it from yet another perspective, I see that maybe the main reason I’m feeling more disconnected now is because I am evolving the consciousness of my being. Inside I’ve always been me, but on the outside I’ve been influenced into someone that is not quite my authentic self. In shedding all of these exterior layers, programming and influences, I am seeing a totally different version of myself; one that I am not used to.

In transformation there is unfamiliarity, it is uncharted waters available for exploration.

This energetic evolution of myself is brand new, nothing should look familiar. So when I take a moment to think about it, it’s not actually disconnection, it’s unfamiliar connection. Take for example when some people say they feel disconnected from themselves in their dreams, what I think they may actually be experiencing is a connection to a different reality. Because it’s new and different, unfamiliar, they associate it with a disconnection since it’s not something they are used to. Just as this evolving me is someone I am not yet used to.

So for now, I will rest and implement what I have already learned as well as anything new that comes from within, instead of outside, my Self. I will embrace this unfamiliar connection with love and openness. For the best is yet to come.

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